Rage Against the Scene

Week of September 4, 2008

Well, I missed a couple of weeks didn’t I? You know what; I honestly don’t give a fuck. Most features like this are done on a monthly basis so I have no regrets in missing two weeks of reading this garbage. Besides, I was too busy listening to the new Metallica, organizing my toenail collection, and freebasing cheez wiz to find time to look at the last two issues. Yes folks, those things are way higher on my priority list than getting all pissed off reading this drivel week to week. But, we’ve had so many people eagerly awaiting new entries; I figured I’d pull my head outta my ass to write a new one. First, you’ve got to check out one of the e-mails I’ve received over the break. Priceless stuff!

Dear dickhead,

            You wouldn’t know good music if it came up and punched you in the nuts! Ragging on original bands like Howlies and Hotpants Romance makes you look like a typical brain-dead redneck that lives in a trailer park and listens to Metallica all the time. Grow the fuck up!

Josh in Lewisburg

Dear Josh,

            You must be psychic since I HAVE been listening to the new Metallica endlessly for the last few days. Thanks to Margaret in the hair rollers, I’m all set up with Web TV here at the One Tooth Trailer Park and have been on a downloading spree. My connection is this fancy dialup thingy and it makes all kinds of cool sounds like in the movie Wargames with eee-oooohhhh-aaaaaa-eeeehhhh and then a bunch of static. After these wonderful sounds I have a meal, go to the Piggly Wiggly, and by the time I’m back I’m ready to hotwire my way onto the information superhighway!

But seriously Josh, how could I NOT rag on these groups? The more important question should be how on earth could you (or anyone) like this shit? Original? This reminds me of any time you see a band with zero talent say crap such as “We refuse to play covers, we’d rather let our original songs represent us.” Translation = “There’s no way in hell that we could cover a decent song since we barely have enough brain power to record the steaming pile of audio shit that we’re currently serving up.” Go ahead Josh, keep deluding yourself that this music is “original”, “ironic”, or whatever trendy word is being used this week by the hipster in-crowd. I’ll continue to listen to bands that have more talent in their fingernails than these bands have in their entire bodies.

All right, I’m gonna make this week’s entry brief as another one is about to come out and I’d like to have these ready in time for everyone to have the issue being discussed in front of them so it can work like a play by play. Y’know, like John Madden, “See, here’s the hipster asshat right here and this guy over here just doesn’t have a clue and then BOOM, the members of Hillbilly Casino rush in and attack them with crowbars.” Well, you get the idea.

The cover this week shows the Vanderbilt Commodore falling on his big head trying to catch a football. I actually love the Commodores and think that the only thing bright orange is good for is prison garb but the Vandy mascot has always creeped me out much like the Burger King. The article, written by Caleb Hannan, is pretty good but its main argument about Vandy not having what it takes to be competitive in the SEC was flipped a bit when Vandy pulled off their stunning upset of South Carolina recently. Of course, this article may be more valid than ever when the Commodores follow tradition and blow it against teams they are supposed to beat. I love Vandy but I’m not about to plan for bowl game travel yet.

Jim Ridley checks in with an article about a zombie movie that premiered this week at the Belcourt Theatre to help kick off Next Big Nashville. The movie is totally locally made and actually sounds really cool. I definitely plan to check this one out as there’s nothing more interesting to us trailer park hicks than a good zombie gore-fest.

Credit goes out to Michael McCall for his Critic Pick of The Bittersweets, a local folk/Americana group that, gasp, actually has talent and strong songwriting. I checked them out and loved the stuff. I’m into hard rock and metal but it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate well crafted and well executed music, regardless of genre.

Chris Parker’s pick of Ludo, from St. Louis, also gets positive marks as they are a pretty talented, if goofy, band. Although I’d rather see a local act get picked for this, at least they don’t sound like Hotpants Romance. I know, Josh, fuck you too.

On page 31 is a full page ad for this year’s Best of Nashville awards. Typically, this is where we get to see what all of the hipster and yuppie folks in town like as they are (I think) the majority of people voting in this thing each year. It may be a little different as a lot of local rock acts have decided to try and nominate me for “Best Local Music Writer”. While I appreciate the recognition, seeing my name in this rag my be too much for me to handle and I could go into convulsions, piss myself, and sprout giant glasses, a sweater and scarf around my neck which I will then use to commit a prison style suicide. Be careful what you guys wish for. I’m just sayin.

Jim Ridley published a recent e-mail interview that he conducted with Crispin Glover about his new, freakish, film that includes an old dude lying in an oyster having his Johnson stroked by a naked lady monkey sitting on a watermelon while people with Down’s syndrome have a relationship with snails. What.The.Fuck???? It sounds like Glover is the same weirdo he was many years ago when he wigged out on David Letterman. I will admit that I’d like to see the film just for freak show purposes only.

Sean L. Maloney has an interesting piece on the recent Tennessee Music Conference and Hip Hop Awards. I’m thrilled that something non-country of this level is being covered and I applaud the Scene for it. Let’s see if they have any coverage for the upcoming Nashville Metal Awards later this year. I think I already know the answer but would love to be surprised.

The Music Preview section includes a review of the new All We Seabees record by Steve Haruch. While this band is absolutely not the type of stuff that I like, they are an interesting group and more importantly LOCAL. Thank you Steve for give something local the spotlight in this week’s issue. If we could only get a local hard rock or metal band in this section, then we’d be cooking with gas.

The Spin this week had more of the same left of center coverage and there’s not much to talk about but how about this. I DARE you guys to go one week without mentioning JEFF or Meemaw. I bet you can’t do it. Even when these bands aren’t being written about they are somehow included in the discussion. Christ almighty!

My favorite ad from the back page this week was a no-brainer. It’s the giant ad right in the middle for the Democratic Party. I’m neither Republican nor Democrat and I vote on the issues. But the complete fuck up in grammar in this ad is hilarious. It says “Fear Terrorism. Fear having No Health Care. Fear LOOSING your home.” My opinion, Fear spell check.

I’m gonna cut LOSE now. See ya later.

Editor-Chris Czynszak

Send all hate mail to cczynszak@nashvillerock.net